How Tsunade Got Her Groove Back
by leyla10
Summary: You're fifty. You're hot. Don't let all that go to waste girl. Get yourself a young stallion. A kinky fic about the lovely lady Tsunade and that copycat ninja Kakashi.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Naruto.

**How Tsunade Got Her Groove Back**

My name is Tsunade, the Godaime Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaf and the last surviving legendary sannin. I'm the granddaughter of a legend and the student of a legend. I have an army of the finest shinobi in the ninja world who are willing and ready to do whatever I tell them to do at any given moment. My hair is golden, my eyes are auburn, and my breasts weigh close to ten pounds each. I'm the hottest fifty year old that has ever lived, and with my strength and my beauty, men crumble at my feet. So, in other words…I'm one bad bitch…

…but I'm horny as hell…

And it's starting to be a distraction too. I'm Hokage after all, it's inappropriate and inefficient for me to be thinking about sex all day, but that's exactly what I find myself doing 75 of the time. For example, just the other day I was sitting in my office doing paperwork and Hyuuga Hiashi walked in….

_flashback_

"Hokage-sama, may I have a moment of your time?"

"Certainly Hiashi."

He walked in and stood in front of my desk in his typically boring Hyuuga robes. Of course he was frowning, but I don't think he was upset…that's just the way he looks.

"Lovely day we're having, isn't it? It's a perfect spring day."

"Hai." At this point in the conversation I was already bored with the man wishing that he would cut the small talk and get to the point. "What can I do for you?"

"I hear that you're going to an inter-village meeting next week. I was wondering if I could come with you. You see I—"

_end flashback_

Ok. Timeout. This is the point were he lost me in a sea of horniness. Can he _come _with me? It took a whole arsenal of willpower for me to resist the urge to say, 'Oh Hell Yes! You can _come_ all you want to!' But, I think that would have been inappropriate.

But you see what I mean…little things like that affect me. He spent another thirty minutes talking to me, but all I could think about was smut…dirty, dirty smut. In the course of our meeting together I had connected all of the man's physical features to something sex related. Here is the list that I compiled…

He frowns so much because he is sexually frustrated. However, if I administered five dosages of mind boggling intercourse with the man per week for the next month, I think I could upgrade him from frown to scowl.

Those loose robes, I think he wears them to hide his enormous bulge.

I think the eyes are self-explanatory. I'd bet all my money and Shizune's leg that he's used them to ogle every woman in the village.

The long hair. Here's a rule of thumb that I learned about men with long hair. On average they screw five times longer than men with short hair…why do you think I got involved with Dan in the first place?

The scars on his body are not from battle…they are wounds from rough sexual encounters.

There are ten more points on this list, but I think you get the point: my mind is in the gutter and as Hokage, it shouldn't be. It should be on official Hokage business. It should be on missions and on village welfare and blah blah blah, but it's not and I think people are starting to notice my lack of concentration.

So, I have to nip my sexual desire in the bud for the sake of the village. And the first step in kicking any habit is to trace it back and find the original cause. In my case, there are two causes:

One: Jiraiya. I know, I know, it's not very nice to blame a dead man for my problems, but he has played a significant role in my recent horniness. You see, even though I have been publicly rejecting Jiraiya's advances for years, in private he and I were banging more often than rabbits in the springtime. At my place, at his place, at the hot springs, on the training grounds, on missions, at the hospital, in the Hokage's mansion, in Youndaime's apartment…we did it everywhere. But now he's dead and my sex buddy, my friend with benefits, my booty call, he's gone and I'm left alone and horny.

Secondly: I'm Hokage. I just can't go around having sex all willy-nilly. It would affect my ability to lead. Imagine what the village tabloids would say: Konoha Under Attack: Horny Hokage Nowhere to Be Found, Too Busy Screwing. Gosh, imagine that. I would lose the respect of my shinobi and of the villagers, smearing the name of Hokage. That's why Jiraiya was perfect for me. He didn't mind keeping our shit a secret, but the rest of the men in this village are hopeless. They drool at the very sight of me. If I slept with one of those fools, they'd be sure to brag about it all over the village.

Ok. There are the causes of my sexual dilemma and here is my solution: Baodjan Chu. Also known as health balls, twirling two of these metallic objects in my hand and listening to them chime and clink together softly is such a stress reliever. It relieves me of physical, mental, and, yes oh yes, sexual frustration. So, every time I feel an inappropriate thought coming on, I'll just whip these babies out and douse the fire…if you know what I mean.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Opps, someone's at the door. I gotta run, but I'll talk with you all later to update you on my progress with this matter. Ok, Tsunade out.

_POV Change_

"Come in," Tsunade leaned back casually in her chair as she watched Yamato appear through her office door. Dressed in his ANBU attire, he removed his mask and addressed her.

"Tsunade-sama, I'm here to report on my latest mission."

"Was it a success?"

"Hai," Yamato responded feeling quite pleased with himself. "Although, I did have to use some of the medical techniques that you taught me before I left. They did come in handy after all."

Tsunade smiled. "You see, what did I tell you?"

"Yeah, you were right. The feudal lord's daughter was under some kind of hypnotic jutsu. So I did what you told me and gave her the antidote you prepared…there were some complications though."

"Like what," Tsunade questioned as she raised an eyebrow inquisitively.

"Well, her throat had swollen up considerably and she couldn't swallow the antidote without some assistance. So, I stuck a rod into her mouth…"

"Uh huh."

"…and I let the liquid seep down her throat through the rod…"

"Ok."

"…then I pumped my chakra through the rod to activate the antidote like you told me…"

"Right."

"...but it didn't seem to work, so I kept pumping and pumping and pumping…"

"Yamato," Tsunade interrupted him. "Could you hold that thought for one second?" With that, Tsunade pulled open her desk drawer and removed a small, green and gold box. Opening it carefully, she removed two metallic objects and started twirling them around furiously. Clink. Clink. Clink.

Puzzled by her action, Yamato gazed at her quizzically and asked: "What are those?"

"Baodjan Chu," she replied simply

"What?" Her answer had only confused the ANBU more.

Tsunade chuckled inwardly. "It's not important. Please continue."

Yamato scratched his head and continued. "Right…well…like I said I kept pumping more chakra and then I realized that the rod wasn't in her throat far enough…"

Clink. Clink. Clink. The pace of the objects twirling in Tsunade's hand increased.

"…so, I shoved the rod deeper into her throat until she gagged a little…"

Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink…….

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**Don't forget to review!!!**


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own Naruto.

**How Tsunade Got Her Groove Back**

Ok, everyone. Today is day fifteen of my sexual experiment with Baodjan Chu…

Number of naughty thoughts today so far: 47—a significant decrease from day one.

Number of conversations ruined because of those thoughts: 20—and most of those were with Shizune, so no big loss there.

Number of hours remaining in the day: 13—Heavens help me!

All in all though, I have improved significantly over the last two weeks. My mind is becoming more focused on village matters rather than sexual matters…which is good I guess. On top of that, I don't feel so frustrated and angry anymore thanks to the Baodjan Chu. At this rate, I'll be devoid of any sexual frustration in no time at all.

Alright then, I'll update tomorrow. Tsunade out.

_POV Change_

Tsunade closed her notebook and leaned back comfortably in her chair. She swiveled around to gaze out her office window and admire the blue sky up above. Before she knew it, her eyelids had closed and she found herself being carried off into a relaxing nap. It was indeed a very slow day in the Hokage's office. No mission reports were filing in, there were no new injuries to tend to, and there were very few random visits to her office that day…it was almost as if something was wrong.

Finally, a knock came at the door, waking Tsunade out of her slumber.

"Come in," she bellowed groggily as she rolled her chair back around to face the door.

"Ohayo Tsunade-sama," Sakura chirped as she entered the room. An abnormally large smile graced her face as she rubbed her left arm nervously. "How are you doing today?"

"Bored," Tsunade responded bluntly.

"Oh," Sakura began to fiddle with her hair. "That's too bad. I guess you could use some excitement today, huh?"

"In the business we're in, I don't mind being bored…it's peaceful. It means that nobody is dying and that nothing is wrong with the village."

"Right." Sakura meant to say this casually in agreement, but it didn't come out that way. Instead, she stretched the word out in such a way that it sounded as if she didn't believe Tsunade's statement at all. "That makes—"

"Sakura," Tsunade interrupted her obviously preoccupied student. "What's wrong?"

The pink haired koinichi stiffened. "Wrong? What makes you think that something is wrong Tsunade-sama?"

Tsunade didn't respond to this obviously contrived statement. Instead she tapped her fingers impatiently on her desk as she glared harshly at her cornered pupil in irritation.

"Well, now that you mention it there is something…a little funny actually." Sakura rubbed the back of her head and chuckled nervously. "You're gonna laugh it's so funny."

"….."

"Right," Sakura chuckled again. "Well, I was practicing diligently in the hospital today. like a good medical nin is supposed to and I decided that I should practice making potions. So, I opened the potions book to the first page and, as you probably know, the first potion listed in the book is an aphrodisiac. So, that's the potion I was working on today…"

Tsunade folded her arms. "So what you really mean to say is that you went to the hospital to make a potion to win Sasuke's heart…go on…"

Sakura reddened. "I guess you could say it like that."

"I will…go on…"

"Well, I made about twenty-five batches of the stuff." She got a little redder at this concession.

"You were that desperate huh?"

"Hai," Sakura admitted bashfully. After a brief moment of shame, she continued angrily. "Then that baka Naruto came to visit and he messed everything up. I can't believe sometimes how stupid he is. Everything he touches turns into a disaster. He's so u—"

"The point Sakura," Tsunade interrupted her rant.

"Right, well, Naruto did something unbelievably stupid…"

"…which is…" Tsunade urged her on.

"…which is that he…"

"…he did what…"

"…he poured it down the drain…"

"……."

"……"

"He poured what down the drain?" Tsunade questioned in disbelief.

"…the aphrodisiac…"

Tsunade took a deep breath and leaned forward in her chair a bit as she reassured her student. "Ok. Ok. Don't worry. There's no need to freak out. He only poured out one batch, so no harm done."

"Umm…he poured out more than one." Sakura took a step back closer to the door, fully aware of the oncoming reaction of her master.

"How…how many more?"

"…all twenty-five batches…"

"WHAT?!?" Tsunade slammed her hand down on her desk with such force that the echo could be heard across the village. The desk subsequently splintered in half and sent Sakura cowering in the back corner of the room. "That is a highly potent potion…and now twenty-five batches of it are in the city's water supply. Do you know what this means?"

"…there's gonna be a whole lot of baby making tonight…"

Tsunade's lip quivered. "Don't get smart with me Sakura. The village is going to be caught up in a giant orgy! How could you let this happen?"

"It's not my fault," Sakura protested. "Naruto—"

"Don't blame this on him. You were responsible for the potion. He should have never been able to get his hands on the stuff in the first place."

Knowing that her master was right, Sakura looked as though she were about to cry. Seeing her expression, Tsunade composed herself and let up on gher verbal attack. Her leadership instinct kicked in and she prepared to do some serious damage control.

"Ok. We need to act fast Sakura. First we need to get word out to everyone not to drink the water in the village. Then we need to make twenty-five batches of the counter-potion and put it into the village's water supply. Alright, if everything goes smoothly, we should be back to normal by—"

Knock. Knock. Knock.

The door swung open before Tsunade could respond and revealed a very scantily clad Shizune. While she was wearing her typical kimono, something about it was different. The tie around her waist was loose and, as a result, her bosoms were…noticeable. It also looked as though she had taken a kunai to it and shredded half the robe off at the thigh.

"Shizune?" Tsunade looked at her assistant quizzically.

"Tsunade-sama," Shizune responded breathily. "I need you."

"What's wrong?" Tsunade neared her with worry etched all over her face. Within arms length, she grabbed at Shizune's tattered clothing. "What happened to you? Your clothes…were you in a fight?"

"No Tsunade-sama," Shizune replied, lifting her hand to move a blond strand of hair behind Tsunade's ear. A blush crossed her face. "I need you."

Tsunade lifted an eyebrow. For some reason, she felt strangely uncomfortable near her closest and truest friend. Taking a step back, Tsunade inquired. "Shizune…have you been drinking any water lately."

"Of course," Shizune took a step forward and closed the gap between their bodies. She ran her right hand along the length of Tsunade's side. "I drink at least 8 glasses a day."

"Oh no." Tsunade looked over to a completely red-faced Sakura in horror.

"Oh yes Tsunade-sama." Shizune seductively chirped back as she pulled the tie on her kimono completely loose revealing her wilderness down under and a good deal of cleavage. "I can't hide my feelings any longer. I need you. Right her. In this room. Right now."

"….umm…" Tsunade searched desperately for an escape. "…right now's actually not good for me…I have….ummm….Hokage business to deal with right now with Sakura…"

Shizune seemed to pout at this. "Can't you stay…Sakura can play too if she wants." She reached up to pull the rest of her kimono off, but before she could, Tsunade was at her side, pulling the kimono tightly round Shizune's body.

"Look, you just stay here and stay sexy and I'll be back and then we can play," Tsunade cringed as she sat the woman down at her desk. "So, you just stay put o.k. Shizune."

Before she had a chance to respond, Tsunade pinched a nerve that rendered Shizune unconscious. She took a deep breath in relief.

"We need to hurry," Tsunade addressed Sakura as she headed towards the door. Sakura nodded in acknowledgment. Suddenly, she turned back towards her desk.

"Just one second," she opened a drawer and pulled out a green box. Taking out two metallic balls and shoving them in her pocket, she again turned towards the door.

"Let's go."

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**O.K. This will eventually be a Tsuande and Kakashi fic. Our masked hotboy should reveal himself in the next chapter. Please review though or if you have any request...let 'em be known!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey everyone!! I appreciate your interest in the story. Actually, interest was slow going at first and I decided not to continue, but interest has really grown and so I decided to continue. So, to the reviewers thanks and to the people who just like to read thanks. Your support is appreciated. **

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Ok everyone. It's still day fifteen of my sexual experiment with Baodjan Chu and things aren't looking too good for me right now.

My stupid apprentice released an aphrodisiac into the village's water supply and now I have a village full of lustful, horny shinobi on my hands. Sakura and I need to remedy the situation before we are mauled by one of these 'lust zombies.' Hopefully I can keep my sexual fantasies at bay, but if Shizune's reaction to the aphrodisiac was any indication, I think I might be headed for some trouble.

Pray for me.

Tsunade out.

_POV Change_

"So far so good," Tsunade whispered as she and Sakura hid behind a mound of bushes. Much to her relief, they had yet to run into anyone on their way to the hospital.

"Let's go," she ordered as she burst into a sprint towards the hospital courtyard. Sakura followed obediently behind, awestruck at how fast her master could move. They were nearing the courtyard when all of a sudden they were halted in their tracks by a familiar voice. Horror filled their souls…

"Hokage-sama!!" The voice rang out loudly. "Pollen drifts along the currents of the sky, cherry blossoms bloom, children frolic, and women swoon….Spring Is In The Air!!"

Tsunade shuddered as she turned to face the notorious shinobi. "Gai…h-how nice to see you," she stammered. Under her breath she whispered to Sakura. "Go inside and get started on the counteragent. I'll deal with him."

Sakura bowed her head respectfully and took off inside the hospital. Tsunade redirected her attention back towards Gai only to find him sashaying towards her with his hands on his hips.

"We are fortunate to be young and able-bodied Tsunade-sama."

As he neared her, Tsunade backed away slowly. "Young? I'm fifty."

"Then it is good to be able-bodied," Gai retorted inching ever closer.

"Who me?" Tsunade chuckled as she searched for a deterrent. "I may look young, but I'm as frail as an old woman. My muscles are always sore and my bones crack."

In lightening quick speed, Gai moved behind her. His fingers grasped around her waist and he whispered seductively into her ear. "Then it is good to have someone who is willing to rub you down."

_POV Change_

Ok. Timeout.

I know what you guys are thinking: 'Ewww Tsunade, it's Gai."

But honestly, I'm a little aroused right now. I mean, rumor has it that this guy is very well endowed. There's even a story circulating around the village that he once rendered a woman comatose after ravishing her with his manhood and that she's been out cold ever since.

So even though he is a bit unattractive and a bit cheesy and a bit tacky and a bit ridiculous, he has a big Johnson. And isn't that all that matters. That coupled with the fact that he has tremendous endurance, he's probably very good in bed and…

…ah hell, I'm just plain horny…

Forget Baodjan Chu.

Hokages are people too. When our finger is pricked, don't we bleed? When our heart is broken, don't we cry? When our loins are aroused, don't we…fuck?

No. No. No. What am I thinking? Bad Tsunade. Bad.

Mustn't have sex with Gai. Mustn't have sex with Gai. Must have sex with Gai.

I'm Hokage and I will not jump the bones of one of my aphrodisiac inflicted shinobi.

I'm Hokage and I will not jump the bones of one of my aphrodisiac inflicted shinobi.

I'm a ho and I will jump the bones of one of my arousing, incredible shinobi.

No!!

I must resist temptation. Heavens help me.

Tsunade out.

_POV Change_

Before Tsunade could manage another thought, she swung around and connected her fist with Gai's chin sending him crashing back into the hospital wall. A cloud of ashes enveloped his body and Tsunade decided not to stick around to see if he was ok. If Gai's previous medical history was any indication, he would be fine and back with a vengeance in no time at all. So, Tsunade decided to split.

Running into the hospital, she made a beeline for the upstairs laboratory. Since it was closer, she ran to the doorway of the stairwell and began her upward journey to the eighth floor. However, she only made it as far as the third.

Something was blocking her way.

"Ibiki…Anko…"

Tsunade stuttered in disbelief. The awe on her face was suddenly replaced by a cringe.

"I didn't even know the human body could fold that way."

The two naked shinobi smiled up at her. "Come play with us Tsunade-sama."

"Ahhhhh," Tsunade screamed as she leapt over the two contortionists and raced up the stairwell frantically. As she fled, she whipped out the two metallic balls and began swirling them in her hand.

"No, I will not have sex. No matter what I feel like, I will not have sex…" Tsunade exited the stairwell and entered one of the hospital halls.

"…No matter the situation, I will not have sex…"

She turned one of the corners and chanted even louder.

"…No matter when or where, I will not have sex…"

She placed her hand on a door handle to one of the medical rooms. Twisting it firmly, she looked back into the hall anxiously in order to make sure no one was following her.

"…No matter who—"

BAM.

Falling back helplessly, Tsunade felt an arm grasp onto hers, holding her upright and preventing her from falling back onto the ground. She looked up to see who her savior was and was surprised to find that it was not her faithful apprentice Sakura, but someone completely unexpected…Hatake Kakashi.

"You should be more careful, Tsunade-sama," he cautioned her and smiled beneath his mask.

"FINE!!" Tsunade burst out, startling Kakashi out of his mind. Her breath was ragged and her lips trembled. And in the midst of her hysteria, she looked straight up at the Jounin, tossed the metallic balls across the room, and shouted at the top of her lungs. "I'll have sex with you!!"

Kakashi's eyebrow arched. "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I know on a normal day we wouldn't," she continued, so flustered she hadn't even heard his question. "But with you in the state that you're in and with all this pressure to have sex, I just can't help it anymore. I just can't. So come on, ravish me."

"The state that I'm in?" Kakashi scratched his head as he watched Tsunade walk by him and clear one of the large medical tables in the room. Having done so, she hopped up onto the black surface and pulled the ties out of her hair. As her blonde locks fell to the sides of her of body, she arched her head backwards and closed her eyes.

"Hatake," she whispered. "Take me."

Kakashi thought for a moment. It wasn't a practice of his to take advantage of women, especially women with superhuman strength…but she was offering…and well, he was only human.

Thinking nothing more of it, he slowly began to approach his buxom Hokage, pulling off his gloves one finger at a time. Once his fingers were freed, he rested the small pieces of clothe upon the table and next to her hips, and he did all of this without even glancing at her directly. Grabbing the zipper to his vest, he slowly began to tug it downward and reveal the navy blue sweater beneath.

Lingering untouched on the table, Tsunade jerked her head forward to look at him incredulously.

_POV Change_

OK. What the hell is he doing? I mean, I'm sitting her all hot and bothered and he's taking his dear sweet time. For goodness sakes, I swear he's been unzipping that vest for like three hours. When I said 'take me,' I meant right then and right there.

Look at this man. Just look at him. He's so young and sexy and….I can't wait to see what he's working with. I just can't wait…but that's what I'm doing. Damn him.

Come on Hatake.

Touch me.

Kiss me.

Do something. He's not even looking at me. How can he be so nonchalant about this?

I can't take it anymore. I have to say something.

_POV Change_

"Kakashi…please…" Tsunade pouted as Kakashi pulled off his vest and folded it into a perfect square. Without stopping what he was doing, he responded to her plea passively:

"Please what?"

"You know?"

"No," Kakashi responded as he removed his kunai pouch from around his upper leg. "Maybe you could tell me what you want?"

Tsunade blinked. _Was he serious? _"I want you to fuck me," Tsunade spat out bluntly.

"My, my, my, Hokage-sama, well if that's all you want then this should be over fairly quick," the silver haired Adonis mused as he placed his pouch on the ground. "If not I suggest you be a little more specific."

Tsunade opened her mouth and closed it. She was at a loss for words. This wasn't a restaurant. She didn't have a menu explaining her choices. What happened to spontaneity?

Kakashi chuckled.

"Alright then, I can see that you need some help," Kakashi started, sounding as passive as ever. "First, I'm gonna suck on those fucking beautiful lips of yours until they swell. That way every time your lips touch my body, it'll send a shudder down my spine and make my hairs stand on end. Does that sound like a good place to start Hokage-sama?"

Tsunade nodded helplessly. She was having a hard time focusing since Kakashi was at that very moment pulling his sweater up over his head, revealing his washboard abs and rock hard chest.

"Good, "he smiled beneath his mask, noticing her glazed over eyes.

"After that I'm going to make your toes curl. So those shoes will need to come off. Then, I'll make you scream my name …fifteen times in all to be exact. You'll say the word fuck only once though. So save that word for a really special moment. Tonight, you'll cum a total of four times. Once before I even remove my pants, twice during sex and….well, you're cumming right now aren't you?"

Tsunade nodded. Kakashi chuckled again as tightened his headband.

"Let's see," Kakashi thought out loud as he rested both arms on the table with Tsunade's body between the two. "Did I miss anything? If I did, forgive me? Sometimes I get carried away, so you never know what extra might happen along the way."

Pulling his mask up over his head, Kakashi revealed his handsome face. Although Tsunade had seen it several times before for medical reasons, it was still a bit surprising how attractive his face really was, how defined his jaw was…how inviting his lips were. It was also thrilling to know that only a few select people in the village had ever seen him without it and that she was one of those people.

Kakashi inched close to Tsunade's face, his hands still pressed against the table at the sides of her body. He lingered casually a mere centimeter away from her lips and held there. It was as if he was teasing her, and in all honesty, he was.

Anticipating his kiss, Tsunade had closed her eyes, but opened them upon the realization that she wasn't being kissed. Aching for contact, she pouted her plump lips out and batted her long eyes lashes.

Kakashi chuckled. He could no longer resist, especially since she was looking so cute.

Leaning over, he allowed his lips to brush over hers gently. It was better than nothing, but it was still a tease. It was not the heated, passionate contact that Tsunade yearned for. Unwilling to wait any longer for what she wanted, Tsunade took action, grasped Kakashi's bare neck, and deepened the kiss.

Kakashi responded for sure, but after a brief heated moment, he pulled away. Tsunade moaned inadvertently as his lips disengaged from hers.

"You want it that bad," Kakashi smirked, well aware that he was driving Tsunade crazy.

"Yes." Tsunade replied breathily.

Kakashi finally raised his hands from the table. "Alright then, Hokage-sama. I'll give you what you want. I've teased you long enough."

With that, Kakashi grasped onto her passionately and proceeded to do all that he had promised to do.

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**Don't Forget to Review Peeps**


	4. Chapter 4

_Sorry for the hiatus. I'm back for more though, so here's another chapter. –Leyla10_

**Enlightenment**

_Where am I?_

_What is that light? It's so bright._

_Am I…am I dead?_

_Damn it! _

_I died. _

_I died. _

_I died having SEX! _

_I can't die from having sex. It's so un-Hokage like. This is so not in line with the Kage legacy. I mean think about it. _

_Shodai: died in battle. _

_Nidaime: died in battle. _

_Sandaime: died in battle. _

_Yondaime: died in battle. _

_Godaime: death by orgasm. _

_I can only imagine what my headstone will say. Here lies Tsunade, may she ride off into the warm, radiant sunset of the afterlife…in reverse cowgirl position. _

_That damned Kakashi! He knew this would happen. He knew my old heart couldn't take such vigorous activity. He knew he would sex me to death. This was all just an elaborate, albeit enjoyable, underhanded way of getting me out of the way so he could be Hokage. He took advantage of me! Well…I guess it was me who really took advantage of him, but I'm allowed to vent damn it…I'm DEAD!_

"Dead?" a voice came from the distance. "Tsunade-hime, you always did assume the worst."

A bright light flashed before Tsunade's eyes. Suddenly, she could make out the outline of a body approaching her. It was a man, a silver-haired man, with four attractive, half-naked women clutching at his sides possessively.

Her breath caught in her throat.

"J-Jiraiya…is that really you?" She stammered.

"The one and only."

A small smile crept upon Tsunade's face. "Then I guess…I guess I really am dead."

Jiraiya chuckled. "No, you're not dead."

"Then how? Where are we?"

"It's difficult to say, but just think of this place as a sort of sexual nirvana."

Tsunade blinked incredulously.

"….sexual nirvana…." She murmured.

"Yep," Jiraiya gave her a hearty pat on the back. "It's a place reserved for those who've reached sexual enlightenment."

"Huh?"

"Ha," Jiraiya laughed. "Don't be coy. You know what I mean. It's basically what happens when someone experiences the perfect sexual encounter...beyond orgasmic…"

Tsunade rouged as Jiraiya continued.

"I guess this means that my busty little Hokage has been getting busy. And since this is your first time here, I suppose that this also means that every time we made love I never got you here." Jiraiya rubbed his jaw as if he were in deep thought. "I guess this also means that this new fellow you're doing is a better lover than me."

Jiraiya pouted. "I guess you don't miss me at all," he murmured with a sad chuckle.

"Baka," Tsunade's cheeks rouged as she cast her eyes downward. "Of course I miss you, it's just that—"

"So, who is he?" Jiraiya interrupted.

"Who?"

"The guy who just fucked your brains out."

Tsunade frowned. "A real lady doesn't kiss and tell."

Jiraiya let loose a deep belly laugh. "Don't forget who you're talking to. I know you too well to buy that line."

"I guess you do," Tsunade chuckled. Sighing audibly, she stepped nearer to her deceased comrade. "…Jiraiya…I really do miss you. I never…I never got a chance to… to say goodbye. I need to tell you how much you mean—"

Jiraiya reached out and grasped her hand suddenly.

"Don't get all sentimental on me Tsunade-hime."

"…but Jiraiya—"

" You have to let go of me." Jiraiya coaxed her hand, eyes giving off that familiar Jiraiya twinkle. "It's time for you to love again. We can't let those jugs of yours go to waste, now can we?"

"Baka," she murmured with a smile. "…so, why are you here?"

"Me?" Jiraiya replied. "I'm here because I'm a real sexual guru. If you reach sexual nirvana enough times during your lifetime, you get a permanent seat here for all eternity."

Tsunade chuckled. "That figures. You probably did so many skanks in your lifetime that you set a record for getting to this place."

"Wrong again curves," Jiraiya shook his head. "I only experienced enlightenment after making love with you."

Tsunade's breath caught in the back of her throat.

"But don't let that go to your head," Jiraiya continued as his hand slipped out of hers. "It's nothing to write home about. I only hope that this new guy gets you here as many times as you got me here."

The fog began to thicken as Jiraiya and his women began to fade into the distance.

"Jiraiya," Tsunade called out as she felt her body pull in the opposite direction.

As he receded away, Jiraiya called out:

"You have my permission Tsunade-hime…you have my permission to love again."

A tear fell down Tsunade's cheek.

"…Jiraiya…"

* * *

"Wow," a barely conscious Tsunade heard a masculine voice exclaim. Her eyes fluttered open and she was immediately aware of Kakashi's presence next to her. She had no idea how long she had been 'out,' but her breath was still ragged and beads of sweat were still rolling down her bare skin, so she surmised that she hadn't been out that long.

"Tsunade-sama," Kakashi breathed heavily. "That was…wow…"

He trailed off, stupid smile lingering on his face.

Nothing but the sound of air entering and exiting their lungs filled the air. For what seemed like an eternity, they both just breathed, recalling the heated sexual encounter.

Finally Kakashi continued.

"Was it wow for you too?"

"I blacked out," Tsunade replied. "I fucking blacked out."

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow."

Both upon the flat of their backs, they stared up at the ceiling as if it were a magnificent starry sky and the next few minutes passed without a word. The scene was absurd in a sense. Both were stark naked, splayed upon the medical table as freely as if they were in their own bedroom. Tsunade couldn't deny it, she felt free. She felt exhilarated. It was as if a heavy burden had been lifted from her very soul…a good bang can do that to a woman…

She heard Kakashi murmur something. Another 'wow' had escaped from his lips, a fact of which he seemed oblivious. His stare was still absently piercing the ceiling.

Suddenly he flipped over, his face looking as boyish as Tsunade had ever seen it. His usually empty pupils filled with an emotion that looked completely youthful. She met his gaze. Her pupils filled with an emotion that looked completely…lustful.

"Let's do it again," Kakashi blurted out, his hand reaching up to fiddle with one of Tsunade's blonde locks.

Tsunade closed her eyes, his gaze was distracting.

Then she heard him whisper:

"Please."

She whispered in reply helplessly, breathily:

"Yes."

* * *

A bright, white light flashed before Tsunade's eyes…a familiar bright, white light…

_'Fuck,' _Tsunade thought to herself. _'He's going to think I'm such a-"_

"Whore?" Jiraiya's voice rang from behind her. "Now why would I think that Tsunade-Hime? Because you were here less than an hour ago. Because you were so horny that you went in for seconds in the middle of the afternoon. Because we shared that emotional goodbye not too long ago and yet you were still in the frame of mind to go get laid…again?"

Jiraiya shook his head, a knowing smirk gracing his lips. "No, no my dear Tsunade-Hime," he continued, "that doesn't make you a whore. A floozy maybe, possibly even a slut, but no, not a whore."

Tsunade's face was a bright shade of red.

"But now you've got to tell me," Jiraiya urged. "Who is it?"

"I'm not going to tell _you_," Tsunade replied.

"Oh _come_ on…a third time…" Jiraiya let loose a deep laugh, reveling in the mortification smeared across Tsunade's face.

"Baka," she murmured. "This is why I can't tell you. I can just hear all your stupid jokes already. If I tell you who, I'll never hear the end of it."

Jiraiya was undeterred. "Now you really have to tell me? You have to tell me," Jiraiya pondered before throwing Tsunade his best pout, "so I can finally rest in peace."

"Jiraiya," Tsuande rolled her eyes, "you're surrounded by beautiful women for the rest of eternity…you might not be doing much resting, you might not be at peace, but you're certainly getting all the ass you could ever want…which seems a little better."

"Fine Hime, twenty questions and if I can't figure out who this mystery person is, then I'll never ask you again."

Tsunade shook her head. "Ten questions."

"Fine," Jiraiya started. "Male?"

Tsunade let out a snort.

"What? Don't look at me like that." Jiraiya protested. "Shizune was pretty into you. And that Dan guy was pretty feminine looking. And it's always been a bit suspect which team you're playing for."

"Yes, male," she huffed, unwilling to engage Jiraiya's accusations, rouging as she recalled the state she left Shizune in at her office.

"Shinobi?"

"Yes."

"Bloodline limit?"

"Umm...kinda…."

"Kinda is not an answer Hime. Either he was born with freak eyes or-"

"Or what," Tsunade replied, watching Jiraiya's face contort as the wheel's in his head turned.

"No way," Jiraiya thought out loud. "He would never….because you're so…old…"

"Watch it," Tsunade warned.

"Is it Hatake Kakashi?"

Tsunade glanced away. It was all the answer Jiraiya needed.

"Well hot damn," Jiraiya gave Tsunade a hearty pat on the back. "You big breasted cradle robber, you realize he's like half your age don't you. What, did junior need a wet nurse?"

"I…Jiraiya…it…" Tsunade was at a loss for words.

"The question is why would a young, handsome, talented shinobi waste his youth on an old, droopy, saggy, granny Hokage. Did you order him to have sex with you or something?"

"Of course not."

"Was he trying to get a promotion or a raise?"

"No."

"Was he maimed in battle and rendered completely hideous and untouchable to man, woman, and the transgendered community and out of pity…or desperation…you slept with him?"

"Jiraiya," Tsuande shot him a look.

"Was he drunk, drugged, or otherwise mentally disturbed?"

"It was a fucking aphrodisiac baka!"

Jiraiya blinked.

"So…he was drugged? Tsunade-hime, that's—"

"Don't say it," Tsunade interrupted. "Don't even say it."

"I'm his grand-sensei. I have to say it."

"Grand-sensei," Tsunade scoffed. "Please, spare me. You forgot that you were Naruto's godfather for sixteen years. Don't you waive useless titles in front of me."

Jiraiya shrugged. "Ok. I won't say it."

"Really?"

"No, it's like you don't know me at all. You raped him!"

"It was consensual. "

"He was drugged. How is that consensual?"

"It was consensually drugged sex."

"What the hell does that even mean?"

Tsunade fell to her knees. "You're right. I'm a rapist!" She balled desperately. "What am I going to do Jiraiya? They're going to strip me of my title, drag me through the streets in disgrace, then lock me in jail and throw away the key. I'll be so demoralized that I won't be able to defend myself in jail and then I'll become someone's bitch. She'll have her way with me and I'll have to do odd things to her in return. Then, one day Kakashi will break in to seek revenge on me and kill me for my transgressions. I'll deserve all of it too because I'm such a bad person!"

"There, there," Jiraiya placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You're the Hokage. You have nothing to worry about Hime."

"What do you mean?"

"You have the power. Throw him in jail, let him be fed by a death-mute. No one will ever have to know your dirty little secret."

Tsunade sniffled. "Grand-sensei, huh?"

Jiraiya shrugged. "What can I say…hos' before bros'…"

Tsunade blinked.

"Well Hime, what are you going to do?"

* * *

**Review Please!**


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